My Approach to Guiding Children Through Peer Conflict

SEED Early Childhood Educational Blog

DISCLAIMER

27 August 2026

By Juliana Fragoso

Juliana Fragoso is a qualified and experienced Early Years Educator with over 10 years of experience working with children aged 10 months to 5 years. As a Lead Educator, she supports children’s daily care, learning, development, and wellbeing, while also guiding a team of educators.
Juliana is passionate about providing warm, nurturing, and respectful care that recognises each child as an individual. Influenced by Reggio Emilia principles, she encourages children to explore, express themselves, and develop confidence and independence through meaningful experiences.
She values strong relationships with children and their families and believes that trust, consistency, and open communication are key to helping every child thrive.

Peer conflict is a natural part of children’s development. Rather than seeing these moments simply as behaviour that needs to be corrected, I see them as valuable opportunities for children to develop empathy, emotional awareness, responsibility and the skills they need to build positive relationships with others.

Adult at child level looking into their eyes.

Image credit: AI. Adult builds trust.

Building Trusting Relationships

Before children can learn how to manage conflict with their peers, they first need to build trusting relationships with the adults around them. Children need to feel safe, connected and understood. Through these relationships, they can gradually learn the routines, expectations and boundaries within the setting.

A key part of this is helping children understand that we respect one another and show empathy towards others. Resources within the setting are there for everyone to use, so children need opportunities to develop an understanding of sharing, turn-taking and respecting another child’s play.

It is also important that we respect children’s individual boundaries. Not every child is comfortable with physical touch, so we should never force a child to give a peer or an adult a hug as a way of showing that they are sorry or caring. Children should be supported to understand that there are different ways to show kindness and repair a situation without requiring physical contact.

Similarly, I would not expect a child to make eye contact with an adult while being spoken to. Some children may find eye contact uncomfortable, overwhelming or distracting, and avoiding eye contact does not mean that a child is not listening or engaging. I would focus instead on whether the child is able to listen, communicate and engage in a way that is comfortable for them.

Four year old children sit together and share.

Image credit: AI. Children sharing resources.

Supporting Sharing and Turn-Taking

If a child is playing with a resource and is not ready to share it yet, I believe this is okay. We can support the other child to understand that it is not their turn and help them to wait. If waiting is difficult, the adult can redirect the child towards another resource or activity while they wait for their turn.

This helps children understand that their own feelings and interests are important, while also recognising that their peers have the same rights and needs.

However, if a child takes a resource away from another child, I would calmly intervene and ask for the resource to be returned. This provides a clear boundary while giving the child an opportunity to understand why taking something from another child is not respectful.

Peer Pressure, Exclusion and Bullying

Peer conflict can also involve peer pressure, exclusion and comments such as, “If you don't share that, I'm not your friend,” or “I'm not inviting you to my birthday party.” While children may say these things without fully understanding the impact of their words, they can create pressure and make another child feel that they have to do something they are not comfortable doing in order to maintain a friendship.

I would help children understand that friendship should not be based on threats, pressure or conditions. Children have the right to say no, choose whether they want to share and decide how they want to play, while also being expected to treat their peers respectfully.

For example, if a child says, “If you don't share that, I'm not your friend,” I might respond:

“You can feel disappointed if your peer doesn't want to share right now, but we don't use friendship to make someone do something they don't want to do. Your peer can choose when they are ready to share, and you can choose something else to play with.”

Similarly, if a child says, “I'm not inviting you to my birthday party,” I would acknowledge that children are allowed to choose who they invite to a private birthday celebration, but we also need to consider how and where those conversations take place. There is a difference between making a personal choice about a birthday party and deliberately using an invitation to upset, threaten or exclude another child.

I might say:

“You can choose who you invite to your birthday party, but we need to think about how our words might make someone feel. We don't use invitations to hurt or threaten our peers.”

It is important not to label every disagreement or instance of exclusion as bullying. Children can experience disagreements, friendship changes and moments of wanting to play with someone else as part of their social development. However, if we notice repeated, deliberate behaviour that is intended to hurt, intimidate, control or exclude another child, this needs to be taken seriously and followed in line with the setting’s safeguarding and behaviour policies.

As adults, we should look beyond the individual incident and consider patterns of behaviour. We need to listen to the children involved, observe their interactions and provide appropriate support to both the child who may be experiencing the behaviour and the child who is displaying it.

Our role is not to force children to be friends with everyone. Instead, we should help children understand that they can choose their friendships while still treating everyone with kindness, respect and dignity. Children should learn that they can have boundaries, say no and make choices without using friendship, exclusion or threats to control another child.

When Conflict Becomes Physical

When conflict becomes physical and a child hurts another child, the first priority is to make sure everyone is safe and to support the child who has been hurt.

The child who reacted physically can then be supported to recognise what they were feeling and to understand that, although their feelings are valid, hurting another person is not okay. Children may experience anger, frustration or upset, and these emotions are a normal part of growing and developing. Our role is to help them learn safe and appropriate ways to express and manage those feelings.

If the child is very upset or crying, I would not try to have a lengthy conversation immediately. I would give them time and emotional support to calm down and feel ready to communicate. Once they are calmer, I would talk with them about what happened and help them identify and understand their feelings.

I might say:

“I can see that you were very upset. It is okay to feel upset, but it is not okay to hurt your peer. I am here when you are ready to talk.”

This allows the child to know that their feelings are accepted while maintaining a clear boundary around physical behaviour.

Supporting Children to Repair

I do not believe in forcing children to say sorry if they do not yet understand the meaning behind the apology. A forced apology may not help a child develop genuine empathy or understand the impact of their actions.

Instead, I would encourage genuine repair and empathy. The adult might say:

“Your peer is hurt. What could we do to help?”

The child may choose to say sorry, check that their peer is okay, offer help or find another meaningful way to repair the situation. The important part is that the response comes from understanding and empathy rather than simply complying with an adult’s instruction.

It is also important that we do not force a child to hug their peer or an adult as part of the repair process. Some children do not like physical touch, and their personal boundaries should be respected. A child can demonstrate care and empathy in many other ways, such as checking whether their peer is okay, helping them, offering a toy or resource, or using words to acknowledge what happened.

If the child does not want to say sorry or is not yet ready to repair the situation, I would maintain a clear boundary. They may need to give their peer some space and move to another area or choose a different activity to play in.

I would explain that this is not a punishment for refusing to say sorry, but a consequence of needing to give their peer space and ensure that everyone can continue to play safely.

I might say:

“You are not ready to make things better with your peer yet, so we are going to give them some space. You can choose another activity, and when you are ready, we can think together about how you can make things better.”

Once the child is calm and ready, I would revisit the situation and support them to consider how their actions affected their peer and what they could do to repair the situation.

We also need to respect that every child is different. Some children may not be ready to communicate immediately, while others may prefer to show that they are sorry through their actions rather than words. What matters is supporting children to recognise the impact of their behaviour and find an appropriate way to repair the situation.

Adult resolves problem between children.

Image credit: AI. Adult support children through conflict.

Respecting Children’s Communication and Boundaries

Supporting children through conflict also means respecting how they communicate. We should not assume that every child will demonstrate understanding in the same way.

For example, I would not insist that a child looks directly at me when I am speaking to them. Eye contact should not be used as a measure of whether a child is listening, understanding or showing respect. Instead, I would use clear, calm language and give the child time to process what has been said.

In the same way, physical affection should never be demanded. A hug should always be a choice. Children need to learn that they have control over their own bodies and that they should also respect the physical boundaries of others.

By modelling this respect ourselves, we are teaching children an important part of healthy relationships: we can care about other people while still respecting their personal boundaries.

Image credit: AI. Child listens.

Learning Takes Time

I recognise that developing these skills does not happen quickly. Children need adults to consistently model empathy, reinforce boundaries, name emotions and revisit situations. Through repeated experiences, children gradually learn to recognise how their actions affect others and develop the skills to manage disagreements more independently.

For me, the goal is not simply to teach children to follow rules because an adult tells them to. The goal is to help them understand why we treat others with respect, how our actions can affect other people, and how we can take responsibility and repair relationships when something goes wrong.

Peer conflict is not simply something that needs to be stopped or corrected. It can be an opportunity for children to develop empathy, emotional awareness, responsibility and the skills they need to build positive relationships with others.

As adults, our role is to provide the safety, consistency, boundaries and guidance children need to develop these skills over time, while also respecting each child’s individual needs, communication style and personal boundaries.

Emotional Health

Author: Juliana Fragoso

SEED Early Childhood is the Educational blog founded by Samantha Donnelly to bring professional knowledge to you.

Juliana Fragoso is a qualified and experienced Early Years Educator with over 10 years of experience working with children aged 10 months to 5 years. As a Lead Educator, she supports children’s daily care, learning, development, and wellbeing, while also guiding a team of educators.
Juliana is passionate about providing warm, nurturing, and respectful care that recognises each child as an individual. Influenced by Reggio Emilia principles, she encourages children to explore, express themselves, and develop confidence and independence through meaningful experiences.
She values strong relationships with children and their families and believes that trust, consistency, and open communication are key to helping every child thrive.

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